Edited Ep. 70 Unlocking the Secrets to Sensual Pleasure with Amber Joy Simon
Michelle Fox: Welcome to Nourish with Michelle Fox, your guide to a vibrant life If consistency has been a challenge for you and you occasionally forget self-care, you, my friend are in the right place. Tune in for [00:01:00] weekly inspiration to nourish your mind. I know your plate's full and I want to help you support a life and a body that you adore. Let's dig in.
Michelle Fox: I have to share this story with you at the top of the hour because I have a feeling you, my friend who are listening right now can relate. It was my 40th birthday party. That was about 10 years ago. And I remember that party was so much fun. I was surrounded with all of my favorite people. I remember my friends at the time found this beautiful spring fling, gluten free cake.
Michelle Fox: And I had some friends from my past show up and my new friends were there. And it sincerely was one of the most magical nights of my life. And then the very next morning, I woke up. And physically, I felt like I [00:02:00] got hit by a bus, and I know it was more than just the alcohol, because yes, I was drinking that night, I will admit, but it wasn't that, like I wasn't hungover, it was something that I knew, I'm like, oh.
Michelle Fox: This is what 40 feels like. And I remember talking to some of my friends about that and they were like, yeah, welcome to the club. And it was like almost overnight, the hormones were like, bam. And so whether you've been with me for five minutes or for this entire journey, you know, I have been on a journey mostly through nutrition, looking at how I can pick and choose the foods that heal my body.
Michelle Fox: Relax my hormones, and I know that I've gotten to a really good point. And now that I'm about to turn 51, I will tell you the shifts in my hormones are happening again. And the reason I bring that up is because one, you know me, I'm always going to keep it real with you and. bring you along on this journey.
Michelle Fox: [00:03:00] And two, I want to talk specifically today about pleasure, because back in, you know, in the forties when I recently turned 40, I was very clear. It was a shift in the hormones and different things started just feeling different in my body. And now that I'm 50, yes, that difference is still happening. But it's also happening to my sex life right now, which I'm like, and again, I, I, I'm a talker.
Michelle Fox: So I talked to my friends and I know that I am not the only person. However, I know these conversations are happening in small groups and maybe one on one with my other girlfriends. And that is why I am so excited to have Amber Joy with us to bring out some of these questions, bring out some of these issues that perhaps
Michelle Fox: I know I have questions around and about and so I'm guessing perhaps you have some of these questions as well. And so let me just read Amber's bio to youBecause when you hear her voice, I have no [00:04:00] doubt you are going to immediately feel as safe as I do, because I'm telling you, whenever I run into this woman, whenever we meet, however we meet,I immediately feel like, ah, she knows something that maybe I don't know, but I also also feel safe in her presence.
Michelle Fox: And so Amber Joy Simon is a seasoned HR executive turned founder and CEO of Quiver. Oh my goodness, y'all. You gotta check out her website, which of course, we will link in the show notes, but head to Quiver now if you're able to. So yes, her bio, CEO of Quiver, brings a wealth of corporate experience to the realm of pleasure and intimacy education.
Michelle Fox: Amber's personal journey ignited the vision for Quiver, an inclusive online community dedicated to reshaping the landscape of sexual wellness and education. Yes, please, and amen. Drawing from her own experiences, she recognized the [00:05:00] need for a discreet, Flexible and comprehensive platform for sexual education.
Michelle Fox: That actually gives me a good point to pause right now before I finish reading her bio, which is parents, if you are listening to this in the car, this might be a great time to put your earbuds in because as I said, at the top, I feel very safe with Amber. So you never know where this conversation is going.
Michelle Fox: And just to be safe, you might want to put those earbuds in because we're not holding back. So with that said, Quiver was born as a solution to fill the void beyond her entrepreneurial pursuits. Amber considers herself a pleasure advocate and is committed to revolutionizing how individuals perceive and engage with their sexual well being.
Michelle Fox: Her innovative approach rooted in inclusivity and empowerment is shaping the future of pleasure education. [00:06:00] Amber Joy, welcome to the show.
Amber Joy Simon: Hi.
Michelle Fox: How are you my friend? I am so good.
Amber Joy Simon: And I feel so good about myself after that introduction. Thank you.
Michelle Fox: As you should. I am so tempted.
Michelle Fox: sincere before we hit record.. I'm like, I don't want to make too much small talk because truly, I want to get to know you better.
Michelle Fox: You and I have met through Sistahbiz and we've talked at a few events and we see each other in some of these online circles, but you and I haven't really sat down and got to know each other. And so as I get to know you, I want to bring our community along because I am telling you, I sincerely feel lit up every time I'm around your presence, so thank you for that.
Amber Joy Simon: Definitely, the feelings are mutual. I always tell everybody, I'm like, I wonder if Michelle knows how much I love her.
Michelle Fox: The feeling is mutual.
Amber Joy Simon: Yes, indeed. So I'm excited to be here. I'm excited to share Quiver with your audience. I'm excited to [00:07:00] answer your questions and we can go on this journey because Yeah. After 40, things change.
Michelle Fox: Wait till you get to your fifties. I'm here for it. I say that with a sing song voice because I'm being a little facetious because you know, I'm sure a little bit, you know about me.
Michelle Fox: Like, of course, I'm going to keep it positive. And there are way more positive things about being 50. But in this realm. Yeah. Bye. With the hormones changing and my sex life changing, like, I have a few questions. So, before we get into that though, is it safe to assume that you're one of my playmates and you're willing to play a rapid fire game with me?
Michelle Fox: Let's do it. Okay. I love to play. Sweet. All right. So, first question. Let's see. I'm playing little Russian roulette with these questions in front of me.
Michelle Fox: See, and actually I'm pausing a bit because I think we [00:08:00] can have even more fun. Let's actually ask new questions because we are talking about pleasure and because we do have, we do have the permission to have this adult conversation. Let's see. I'm going to just go straight for it. Okay. Top or bottom.
Amber Joy Simon: Ah, so here's my truth.
Amber Joy Simon: My truth is I am an insomniac and it depends on if I have slept. So if I have slept top because I love the control. If I have not bottom, just take care of me. I want to relax through this. I want you to offer me just a little bit more pleasure tonight. Cause I'm tired, but I want to be here I want to do this. So yeah.
Amber Joy Simon: That is my truth.
Michelle Fox: And that is such a well thought out answer. I am like, Ooh, yes, I can relate to everything you [00:09:00] just said.
Amber Joy Simon: I have tired positions and I have, I'm with it positions.
Michelle Fox: Hmm. So, I want to ask you in a moment about your sexual journey. Well, not, I'm not going to get to that deep your sexual journey as you've explored this business.
Michelle Fox: How about that framework? But before we do that because we are still in this rapid fire framework, I want to know, has there been anything that has surprised you about you as you're building this business? Mm.
Amber Joy Simon: Yes, that I am far more detailed than I ever thought that I could be. I always thought that I was a high level idealist and I could ideate all day.
Amber Joy Simon: And now I realize that when I am in charge of this journey, you really do need to know every nook and cranny and inch of your business. But I'm also learning now to be able to take a little bit of a step back and say, [00:10:00] don't don't dwell over here. Just do right and move around and get things done and and watch growth.
Amber Joy Simon: So I'm learning a lot about myself, but I would say more so that I am far more of a detail oriented person than I ever gave myself credit for, or maybe that I recognized. Spend a lot more time alone with myself these days.
Michelle Fox: Yes. I think all the solopreneurs are raising our hands and saying, yes, we can relate to that.
Amber Joy Simon: Like you're a little bit more controlling than you thought you were.
Michelle Fox: Boy, this, entrepreneurial journey is absolutely a spiritual journey I have found in the past five years, I will say. Indeed. All right. Last but not least. I always ask the question about the kitchen, but for you to keep it fresh, this is going to be a yes or no question.
Michelle Fox: Have you ever had sex in the ? Yes.
Michelle Fox: And you win the game. That was a nice, crisp clean answer. [00:11:00] That was easy. So I want to start off because when I met you, I actually think it was through Instagram first before I got the Sistahbiz. Probably, probably. Yeah. I saw a lot about the pink cookie and I'm like, oh, that's a cute name. And then I checked out your page.
Michelle Fox: I'm like, oh, it goes a little bit deeper. And so will you share a little bit with us? The journey from cookie over to Quiver, which, as I mentioned, the Quiver website, Oh my gosh. I'm like, I love it. Yes, please.
Amber Joy Simon: Yes. Sometimes I go to it like, yes.
Michelle Fox: Yes. We will absolutely link it in the show notes. Indeed.
Amber Joy Simon: So when I first started really quickly, my story is yes, I was a human resources executive and
Amber Joy Simon: during the pandemic days and like 2020 sometime, maybe it was 2019, I got this idea talking to [00:12:00] girlfriends and was like, Hey, how come we don't know anything about ourselves, our bodies, our sexual development? And I started digging into it and was like, You have a circle of amazing, bright, brilliant, highly successful women who in our late thirties, early forties were just discovering that our vulva and our vagina were not the same thing.
Amber Joy Simon: Right. And I've had three children and it was like, wow, I've been using those two words interchangeably and come find out I know nothing about my own body. And so I had this idea, registered the pink cookie shop thinking, Oh, that's super cute. The pink cookie. Right. Yes. Yeah. And yeah, so we get through the pandemic, but I just registered the name and all that good stuff, but never really did much to it with it.
Amber Joy Simon: And it was always in the back of my head and more and more, I got, I got introduced to Makisha and she was telling me about Sistahbiz [00:13:00] and I thought I can do this. And I was. a VP at a credit union at the time. And I was like, I think I can do this entrepreneur stuff. I can do this, right? I do hard things, you know, and fast forward, some things happened in November of 2022
Amber Joy Simon: I said, you know what? I can do hard things, and I am going to build this business, and I'm going to give people like myself who I don't want to go sit in a classroom and talk about my orgasm or lack thereof. I just want to get the information discreetly, accurately. If I want to lean on a community, there's people there who are just like me who are like, hey, girl, what, Are you in perimenopause? And she's like, no, I'm beyond that. I'm in menopause. And I wanted a resource for, for others, for everyone to be able to say, Hey, I'm a little bit beyond that. I need more information on, what's kink? Everybody's talking about [00:14:00] kink. What is that? That's what I wanted was a resource.
Amber Joy Simon: And so, and, and in doing the work and putting together a solution, which ends up being Quiver, I realized that the Pink Cookie Shop was limiting and not being inclusive. It didn't give that inclusive inclusiveness that I wanted it to give. It just didn't match the end brand and the end brand ended up being Quiver.
Amber Joy Simon: And here we are welcoming everyone of all spectrums of the rainbow, age groups. If you want to increase your pleasure and intimacy life, we're here to educate you and give you that accurate information. So that is the journey of Quiver. So thanks for asking that Michelle. It's It's a, it's a labor and journey of love.
Michelle Fox: And it shows because I have a second screen over here. My friends who are watching us on YouTube might see my attention over here. But yeah, as I just looked through, even your photos are multicultural, multi generational. [00:15:00] It just gives us, it evokes, that's the word, it's evocative. It evokes this feeling of all are welcome to explore their pleasure.
Amber Joy Simon: There you go, there you go. It's probably one of the most elemental, fundamental rights that we have as humans, right? Is to experience pleasure, but to experience in a educated, consenting way and we can't get there if there's not a resource that we trust where we get that additional support that says, okay, now that I know what that means, how do I do that safely?
Amber Joy Simon: That's what's important here and so that's where Quiver came from and everybody has the right to that. Right? So everyone is welcome here.
Michelle Fox: And I feel that. And as I'm listening to you, I also feel like I'm channeling a few voices in our community who might be like, because I've heard this, but who might be like, ah, those days are over.
Michelle Fox: I'm too old for [00:16:00] sex. That boat has passed. no, what would you say? And actually I want to kind of break it up into three. So let's talk to the woman who might be in her 40s and she's single and she's like ehhh sex, whatevs, like that's for other people. I don't have a partner. I also want to, do the category of me, a woman in her fifties who is married and has a gazillion responsibilities on my shoulders.
Michelle Fox: And so when it comes time to sex, it kind of, I will admit has come lower on the priority list. Why do I split my energy? Yeah. Yes. And then I want to talk to the woman over 60, who, whether she's married or single, she's like, those days are over. They're no good men. What do you mean? Pleasure? Like maybe she even, well, hopefully she's listening to this, but maybe she sees, you know, the title of this podcast
Michelle Fox: and she's like pleasure, that's for the young people. Like I want to talk to those three women. I don't know if you want to break that separately or how do we reach these women to let them know that we [00:17:00] all deserve pleasure?
Amber Joy Simon: Absolutely. And, and that's why I don't dwell on sex education because pleasure can, can cover a myriad of things.
Amber Joy Simon: Right. And I don't want anyone to ever dismiss that you can find pleasure and absolutely fulfilling pleasure. We just happen to have an emphasis on physical intimacy, right? But you can find pleasure in a lot of things and you don't need a partner for that. So whether you're 40, single, married, partnered, thinking about it, on the fence, Situationship.
Amber Joy Simon: You deserve pleasure. 50 60 70 80. As long as you can, as long as you can feel good. As long as you have that ability, you deserve regardless if you can't feel it or not pleasure. And so what I will say there across the board. That you are entitled and you're entitled to it in a safe and informed way. And I will consistently and [00:18:00] always say that. One of the things for myself that I could speak to very easily and a lot of the people who are Quiver members right now will tell you is they believe somewhere down the line for myself, once I started experiencing these good old fashioned perimenopause symptoms where I,
Amber Joy Simon: I. am with someone who matters a great deal to me, but I cannot explain why all of the sudden we're having plans to have this amazing romantic night. And all of a sudden I'm irritated, like a switch and I can't, it's like a switch. It's like a surge of hormones. I don't feel sexy. I don't even want you to touch me because right now I can't explain it, but I feel like I am on fire.
Amber Joy Simon: Electricity running through my body. And the last thing I want to do is touch you. I still think you're amazing. I still love you or wherever you're at in your [00:19:00] relationship, your situation, you have to navigate now, not only being able to experience the pleasure that you intend and want to have, but navigate that you've got somebody else in that situation with you, right?
Amber Joy Simon: And really making sure that your partner is educated as well, which is another reason why we have Quiver, making sure that your partner has all the information to understand. It isn't that she or he hates me. It's that this is where they're at physiologically. And the best thing I can do right now is support them through this.
Amber Joy Simon: Let's think about alternatives that bring us both pleasure because maybe right now, physical is not the answer, but if we work together, we've got these tools to do so I'm educated, she's educated, and we can find a happy medium that will get us through this hump until we figure out what's going on with our hormones and our bodies, but we're not dismissing pleasure, it's still there.
Amber Joy Simon: Right. But we have to just meet pleasure where we're at sometimes.
Michelle Fox: And I'm so grateful you brought up [00:20:00] the communication piece. Yes. So when, so I started menopause maybe a little over three years ago. And I remember. having no idea what was happening, just knowing that I felt gross, like I was always sweating.
Michelle Fox: Well, I wish I could say different and had more compassion with myself, but I'm just like, yeah, I just feel gross. Like I was bloated. I was sweating at night. I was sweating through my clothes during the day. And so I just did not feel attractive to Steve. And you know, you know, he's a man, he's like, whatever, you're fine.
Michelle Fox: Let's go. And I'm like, you look the same.
Michelle Fox: And so I so appreciate that you're talking about the communication piece because we did have a lot of talks and, and, you know, he's over 40, so his body has been changing over the years as well. And so we've been able to talk about those things. And one of the things I noticed on your website is you had a beautiful testimonial from a man saying that
Michelle Fox: you had helped him have better conversations so that [00:21:00] he could please his wife. So can you tell us a little bit about perhaps how you educate men as well to, to be there for us that are, are in heterosexual and, or, I don't want to put words on your mouth. Like how does that education work?
Amber Joy Simon: Life changes happen with male, female, no matter where you're at on the spectrum is you're going to have a change of life in some aspect.
Amber Joy Simon: And so when I am dealing with the cisgendered heterosexual male and they come to me and you have to think about it in terms of first of all, kudos and congratulations for taking the step to even seek the assistance right to seek the coaching. And when they come they're already fairly serious. So for you gentlemen who are still considering, understand it to really love your partner and I'm just going to say this and if you want to debate me later we could do it, but to really love your partner.
Amber Joy Simon: is to exercise empathy, right? And so when these gentlemen come to me, they say, Hey, look, I get That we're not 19. We're not 20. We're not even 30 anymore. Right? [00:22:00] Her needs are different. She gave me your website and told me to sign up. Great. I'm glad to be here. Right?
Michelle Fox: Is that how they usually find you?
Amber Joy Simon: Sometimes it happens that way.
Michelle Fox: Right? Yes. Yes. Like it's time for you to
Michelle Fox: Talk to Amber Joy. You're going to do this. Okay. Got, to
makes sense.
Amber Joy Simon: But if they do it, kudos. Right? So, you know, and I always say, hey, Great job. I'm glad you're here. So here's what we're going to do next. What do you want to get out of this?
Amber Joy Simon: Right? Because understanding that everyone deserves pleasure. So if you're just there to say, I just want to make her happy. Okay. But what about you too? Because we don't want to imbalance the scales and what's happening in your life. If she's having a change of life, I'm sure that's affecting you. So let's make sure that you're holding this space and you have techniques and.
Amber Joy Simon: And a plan on how you're going to navigate and what your goals are in terms of, Hey, we're both going to get pleasure and in different aspects. Right? And hopefully one day we'll get to a place where we're all aligned again and things go back to normal. And I [00:23:00] get to coach you on different fun things.
Amber Joy Simon: Right? So all that to say, I think it is interesting. And I love it when gentlemen come to me and say, I just want to do what I can so that we don't lose this aspect. Because understanding, okay, Our sexual wellness has such a huge impact on our overall wellness, right? You made a really good point, or when you were asking your questions, your three questions earlier, in terms of the single, I mean, we could talk about everything from you.
Amber Joy Simon: You don't need a partner to experience physical pleasure. There's a myriad of toys. If you're not comfortable with toys, there's manual stimulation. That's when you get to think about erotica. That's when you get to think about. all those other ways that you can fill those gaps, as a solo, but giving up on pleasure because you're not partnered, is just not fair to your overall wellness to yourself.
Amber Joy Simon: Right. so I would encourage the single, the solo, to not look at it as [00:24:00] I'm, I'm single, what am I going to do? But by no means, I mean, you're, you're absolutely still entitled to seek. And obtain and have pleasure in the way that you that you want it. That you deserve to have it. So, and there's lots of ways to do that.
Amber Joy Simon: If there's people who are interested in different facets of kink, you can still have a kinky experience as a solo. So we can go and we can talk about all those things. But I just want to highly encourage everyone to say that that is not the end of partnership is not the end of your pleasure journey by any means.
Michelle Fox: Thank you for highlighting that. We recently had LaVonne Briggs on the show and we were talking about self esteem and how she counsels women, specifically women who have had sexual trauma in the past. And I asked her, you know, three things to help us to build our own self esteem. Yeah. And she ended with masturbation.
Michelle Fox: And she was very clear that masturbation helps us get more in touch with ourselves and [00:25:00] there's no shame and it's beautiful. And it's all about the time that we get to be with ourselves. And so I would love
Amber Joy Simon: nobody knows you better than you.
Michelle Fox: Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes.
Amber Joy Simon: Yes, indeed. I mean, I am, I am a sexual trauma survivor and I didn't even.
Amber Joy Simon: I never even considered masturbation an option for me because there was no ownership of my body. So there was a lot of. healing in that as well and saying, no, this is my body. I am allowed to touch it. I am allowed to give it pleasure and I'm allowed to receive pleasure from, from it. So there's, there's a great deal of release, pun intended, I suppose,
Amber Joy Simon: but there's a great deal of release and healing. in giving yourself permission to get to know yourself better. And then one day, should you add a partner to your life? How, how amazing is it that you get to teach this [00:26:00] individual how to give you pleasure in the way that you, that you like it, that you want it, that you deserve it.
Amber Joy Simon: Because you are so familiar with yourself. I, some of us have had to work backwards and say, wait, now I've done all these things. Do I even like any of this?
Michelle Fox: Right. Yes. Including even if you've been in a long term partnership, because Steve and I have been together a little over nine years and the things we enjoyed nine years ago are very different than the things we enjoy today.
Michelle Fox: And so,
Amber Joy Simon: And they should, things should evolve. I always tell people, you know, when you're, if you're partnered. You should body map and we could talk about that later, but you should body map and exchange body maps and you should do it maybe once or twice a year, because 1 day, I might really be into 1 thing.
Amber Joy Simon: And the next day, if I'm having a lot of hot flashes, maybe I don't want a full body massage. Maybe I don't want that much heat, additional heat on my body. If this is happening, things have changed, [00:27:00] right? It should change. Maybe you've grown together as a part, as a partnership and said, you know, when we were younger, we weren't really exploratory, but now that we've been together, nine, 10 years, we've, we've evolved.
Amber Joy Simon: So now where we used to say, this is kind of vanilla. Maybe you're in bigger and better things. So things change, they evolve, tastes change. and you'd want to see growth together. So that's okay. That's a normal thing. And sometimes people stall and we get in a rut and it's the same routine over and over.
Amber Joy Simon: And it's like, now we don't even know what to do. It's like starting over again.
Michelle Fox: And you have a lot of beautiful tips on your website. So I want to talk about some steps. For that, but first, I want to take a step back because you use the word worthiness. And I know in the work that I do with nutrition and fitness, my work is really shifted a lot more to the mindset [00:28:00] because I could tell you all day long what to eat, what not to eat, what to put in your body for your body type, but you're not going to do anything that I suggest unless you're feeling worthy and valuable enough to spend that time with yourself and figuring out what works for you.
Michelle Fox: And so I loved that I saw that in your work as well, the worthiness and how that plays into being in touch with our bodies and. So that was a statement. But then the question comes as I'm looking at your website, I got to download my minimalist daily journal, which is so amazing. And so one of these journal prompts, I actually want to ask you, and so, To my friends and listeners, please go to Quiver, get your download as well.
Michelle Fox: You're going to love this journal, but on day 12, it says, write a love letter to yourself, acknowledging your unique attributes and worthiness of pleasure. [00:29:00] And so with you, we're just going to assume, I know you are human, but we're just going to assume that you are feeling the worthiest of worthy. Yes. Let me know, like, what is it something about you, Amber Joy, sexually related or not, but what are the things that you appreciate about your uniqueness?
Amber Joy Simon: Yes. You know, I think about when I started giving myself permission to just tell my story, to be authentic within myself. It was the single most freeing and There's that word release again, you know, it was just a relief. I had carried around so much weight from my past, which wasn't always positive, and I allowed it to consume me.
Amber Joy Simon: And when you have that moment where you realize, well, why don't I deserve [00:30:00] happiness, pleasure, indulgence, and the things that bring me joy? Why don't I deserve that? And I just could not justify not deserving that pleasure that I am fully worthy for this simple fact that God breathed breath breath life into my body, right?
Amber Joy Simon: And I am going to live this life and I'm going to enjoy it. And I'm going to do my best to be a good person, but that's not at the detriment of my happiness. Right. So your ugliness doesn't get to impose upon my peace.
Michelle Fox: Let's say that for the people in the back.
Amber Joy Simon: Yes. Yes. Right.
Michelle Fox: Your ugliness does not get to impact my peace.
Amber Joy Simon: There you go. So, you know, I chose happiness. I chose to be worthy. And I do think that you can just choose to say, I am worthy [00:31:00] of all the feel good I am. So I have felt that and I believe it and I, and it is, I feel like it is my calling to tell other people, no, no, no, no, understand you deserve this. For no other reason, other than you just deserve it.
Amber Joy Simon: You deserve it. Why do we have to live at an unnecessarily difficult life? Things happen. They will always happen. And trust me, I know I've had a heart attack, I've had a divorce, I've had,
Amber Joy Simon: I've lived
Amber Joy Simon: through sexual trauma. I've had all of the things that should have finished me. Right. But yet I still choose pleasure.
Amber Joy Simon: I still choose worthiness and understanding it that if you're on a mental health journey, where you're still trying to convince yourself that you are worthy, I'll tell you that you're worthy. But I will also tell you that you are worthy of the therapy to help you understand why you are worthy. So. If you get nothing else from this moment, certainly, so I guess that would be my journal prompt.
Amber Joy Simon: I'm going to go [00:32:00] write that tonight. I'm going to some version of it. I do like to go through that journal sometimes and rewrite as things have changed and
Michelle Fox: evolved. Well, and from the outside looking in and just hearing what you just said, I would say part of your uniqueness is that you see your humanness.
Michelle Fox: And yet you still raise your hand to say, I'm here to show the light and show the way to women to show them their worthiness and show them that they are allowed to have pleasure in their life. That is right. Very unique and very beautiful.
Amber Joy Simon: Yes. I mean, I can vividly remember. Being married and, and, and we were young and we were naive and so we were both not in a great space to be married people, but, or at least to each other.
Amber Joy Simon: I also never really remember. my sexual [00:33:00] pleasure really mattering. I don't remember it.
Michelle Fox: Meaning to you or to that partner, to
Amber Joy Simon: my partner, but mainly to myself. Right. I just don't, I always, my thought process was always, I wonder if this is good for him. I wonder if he is my thought process never really involved me and to come find out that I was not rare in that thought process and that like, I just didn't know.
Amber Joy Simon: That this could be fun for me to. This could be pleasurable.
Michelle Fox: Right. Yeah, thank you for highlighting that because I do feel like a lot of voices are coming up lately, sharing that I think as girls we are raised to please the man and be there for our male partners and, and it's like, it's okay. You know, this is my body.
Michelle Fox: It's it's here for you, but it's here for you .
Amber Joy Simon: No, exactly. Yeah. Well, I always say, and I mean this for everyone. Yeah. I would rather be [00:34:00] somebody than just some body. Mm. Right. And there's a distinct difference. Mm-Hmm. . And if I am just some body, then I am really treating myself like a nobody. Right? Mm. And so I, I, I definitely.
Amber Joy Simon: That was an awakening moment for me, though. It was, oh, but Amber, it matters. You do matter. You're supposed to enjoy this as
Michelle Fox: well, you know, so. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Just hearing you say that it's, it's got my brain ticking. I've got two 16 year old daughters, Steve's daughter, 16, my daughter's 16. And this is the time for sexual curiosity, I will say.
Michelle Fox: And so there is this part of me that's been in hyper focus like, Oh wait, did I tell them this? Did I tell them that? Like, do they know that their body's their own? And so we've been having more conversations than they would like right now, just about making sure that [00:35:00] But keep doing that complete control of their bodies.
Michelle Fox: Like it's not about I'm saving myself or I'm protecting myself. It's like, no, you deserve to have pleasure as well. Let's be informed. Yeah. While you're having that pleasure, please know that this is your choice. It's not about him and his choice. It's about, I want you to consent
Amber Joy Simon: matters. And here are the different layers of consent.
Amber Joy Simon: And here's what it means for, you know, Partial consent and that that's okay. And then you can stop at these certain places. So I mean, these are great conversations to have. And again, I, I say this and that I do know. Full grown adults who are still sketchy on what does consent mean? How far is too far?
Amber Joy Simon: Well, as far as she or he says, no. Right. So we just, these are great conversations to have. And the earlier that you learn them, the earlier that you can experience and [00:36:00] say, this was because I wanted this, I consented to this and I know that this is going to bring me pleasure. And so giving the proper information based on age, and at 16, they're certainly old enough to know and understand because they're dealing with the functions of their bodies, you know, indeed.
Amber Joy Simon: It's just like how, when we hit 40, we're going, Hmm,
Michelle Fox: like what is happening right now? What is
Amber Joy Simon: going on? What is this electric shock change that's happening? And, you know, becoming really intimate and friendly and close with lubricant and lube, you know, it's like, And telling yourself, because as women, we're told, oh, if she's not, if she's dry, then she's not turned on.
Amber Joy Simon: It's like, well, no, I just can't get there like that anymore. I'm 40. Yes.
Michelle Fox: Let's talk about that.
Amber Joy Simon: Lubricant is your friend.
Michelle Fox: Because now that I am 50 and a lot of [00:37:00] my girlfriends are around my age, that is the conversation is that. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Things are dry down there because yeah, of course our estrogen has lowered significantly for a lot of us some of it Some of us have, you know, estrogen through the roof,
Amber Joy Simon: which is a whole nother thing.
Amber Joy Simon: We're all different and understand that this can happen for a significant amount of us. So help us
Michelle Fox: Amber Joy. What would you suggest? Like, is there a right or wrong kind of lubricant? I was on your shop and I noticed you have a few options there. So tell me, tell me what I do to feel better down there.
Amber Joy Simon: Yes, of course. So if you are just having penis and vagina sex, I would say water based lubricant is always best, right? but that's depending on your degree of dryness. So once we're getting a little bit older, we want some sustainability. So a silicone based lubricant is great. That'll give you a little bit longer lasting, It's a little bit [00:38:00] longer lasting experience silicone.
Amber Joy Simon: Also for the shower. If you're in the shower, you don't want it to just rinse away. so yeah, silicone is great for that. Silicone based is not great if you're using toys. yes, because you don't want it to erode your, hopefully you're using a high quality toy. and so the silicone can eat away at the, the covering of your toys and you don't want that you want them to last and they're, they're not cheap, right?
Amber Joy Simon: It's an investment in your pleasure. So you don't want to ruin it with the type of lubricant that you're using, but just regular playing around, having fun, penis and vagina sex, put it in your purse, have it at all times. Water based is always great. And you don't have to worry about allergies. if you're using condoms, you definitely want to have a water based lubricant.
Amber Joy Simon: do not use oils. It will eat away at the condom. And no matter what anybody says, coconut oil is not going to get the job done and be careful using food. Especially if you're having penis and vagina sex because you don't want to cause infection. I will [00:39:00] repeat that olive oil. I don't care how natural you think you are.
Amber Joy Simon: Don't use it. Coconut oil. Don't use it. Don't use anything that you can cook with you guys. There's a reason why we've got. Specific lubricants, water based, silicone based, natural, organic, organic,
Michelle Fox: yeah, but no, say more, like tell me what, what, why don't we want to use the olive oil and the coconut oil? Yeah,
Amber Joy Simon: we don't want to use those because they, they could cause infection.
Amber Joy Simon: So for example, if it's in there for a while, it's just like anything else, it'll spoil it or go bad. You don't have any other way. I mean, you're, if you're still having a period. But if you're not still having a period, what are we doing to clean that out? And we definitely don't want to advocate for douching because it messes up the pH of our vagina.
Amber Joy Simon: And that's a whole nother realm of issues. And so just to err on the side of safe to prevent bacterial growth, we want to make sure we're not using [00:40:00] anything that we could potentially eat, that could cause infection later and down the road. So yes, don't recommend it.
Michelle Fox: Beautiful. No, I, I mean, I don't mind sharing.
Michelle Fox: I've never, never tried that, but it's good to know in some people do that. Well, yeah, because I'm thinking like, it doesn't feel like a far reach from, you know, shea butter that I put on my skin or sometimes I put coconut oil in my hair. So I can imagine it would be easy for me to be like, Oh, sure. It's natural.
Michelle Fox: Coconut oil. I appreciate the warning that it will not happen. So thank you.
Amber Joy Simon: There you go. Yep. And so, and as we get older again, you know, as we're a little bit drier, you guys, there's nothing I remember having an intense conversation with a young fella that insisted that if a woman did not squirt. Or if she was not wet down there that she wasn't turned on, she wasn't going to orgasm or she didn't orgasm.
Amber Joy Simon: And I said, Oh gosh, no. So where do [00:41:00] we start?
Michelle Fox: Sit down, honey. Let's have a chat.
Amber Joy Simon: Right. Right. Number one, not all women squirt. And that's not an indicator of maximum pleasure, and you can have an orgasm and not do that. You can also be a woman who doesn't naturally produce a lot of lubricant and that doesn't mean that you aren't turned on and you don't desire your partner.
Amber Joy Simon: So I just want to dispel those myths and say, no, you're not dryer because your partner no longer does it for you and your partner is misinterpreting that. It is because hormonally your body is saying not today. And that is why, and it is perfectly fine to purchase large containers of lubricant. It is perfectly fine to have different types of lubricant, depending on the, what you're doing.
Amber Joy Simon: Like I said, in the shower, you might want something different from what you're having. You're going to have just regular, we're in the bedroom, in the bed, having sex. So, All of those things are perfectly acceptable and to travel [00:42:00] with.
Michelle Fox: Yes. I, I have a funny story for people who don't know in real life.
Michelle Fox: You'll have to ask me, but, Steve actually just teased me the other day cause when we were first dating, I put a little something in his suitcase cause he was traveling on a quick business trip. He got stopped at TSA and I have not lived that one down yet. That's what your little comment just, made me think.
Michelle Fox: So he'll be laughing.
Amber Joy Simon: Well, we like Steve. He, if you could stick around after that, then ,
Michelle Fox: right? He, he, the relationship is, he passed the test after TSA , so. Oh my goodness. Amber, joy, I just checked out the time we have gone over and I know that we could probably do even more so. One, can I have you back?
Michelle Fox: Can, can we schedule time? I know there's going to be questions. I'm going to be surveying our audience. We're going to be crowdsourcing some more questions. I know we are just at the tip of the iceberg.
Amber Joy Simon: We're just scratching the surface.
Michelle Fox: [00:43:00] Yes, yes. And so with that, I just want to make sure though, you do coaching, correct?
Michelle Fox: Yes, we do. And you also have your shop where people can buy products. So we'll link all of that. But I know there is somebody listening to us right now. That's like, I want more of Amber Joy. Like, where can we find you?
Amber Joy Simon: Yes. So you can go to www.Quiver.global. And that will give you all of your information about Quiver, Quiver membership, because we are an online inclusive community focused on pleasure and intimacy education.
Amber Joy Simon: And we offer on demand learning courses. You guys, we've got coaches on the platform. We've got a supportive community, all the tools that allow you put you in the driver's seat of your sexual wellness journey. So, www.Quiver.global will get you more Amber Joy and Quiver.
Michelle Fox: And as we close, my favorite question I like to [00:44:00] ask at the end is what is one thing you are going to do today to nourish yourself?
Amber Joy Simon: Oh, that's a good one. That's easy. I'm going to leash out both of my dogs and we're going to walk to go get my daughter from school because that's my favorite thing to do. It's feeling like a really good fall day today. So I'm going to. Go enjoy the cool air. It's good quiet time.
Michelle Fox: Amber joy. Thank you for joining us.
Michelle Fox: This truly has expanded my mind and my heart and my energy. So thank you.
Amber Joy Simon: Thank you, Ms. Michelle. Part two coming up.
Michelle Fox: thanks so much for listening to Nourish. Have you been driving, doing laundry or walking around the neighborhood? Sweet. I've got show notes for you. Hop on over to michellefox.com/podcast. When you are ready. I will let you know that on the [00:45:00] page, you will find resources to support what you just learned on today's show. And then of course you can grab some health supportive freebies as well.
Michelle Fox: If you enjoyed this episode, I would be honored. If you would leave a review on whichever podcast platform you are listening on. It will help me with my mission to build healthier communities. One person at a time and it will help you because you will be part of that mission.
Michelle Fox: I'll be back next week and I encourage you to keep showing up for yourself and know that you and your health matter. Big love!
