Episode #59: How Is Steve?
Michelle Fox: [00:00:00] Welcome to Nourish. I am Michelle Fox Culinary Nutritionist Health Coach, and your host for this podcast. I teach busy professionals, how to get more nutrition in their bodies. And how to have more fun in their home kitchens. If you struggle with consistency. Or sometimes forget to make your needs a priority.
You, my friend are in the right place. Join me each week for inspiration to increase your energy. Strengthen your mindset, manage your hormonal woes and so much more. You have a lot on your plate, but that does not mean your nutrition should suffer. You deserve to live in a body and have a life that you love.
So let's dig in.
Steve: Gee! Oh! Today, I am [00:01:00] so thrilled to, one, welcome you to our home podcast studio, aka my office. And then number two, of course, my biggest excitement is to be able to do this podcast episode with the love of my life, Hot Husband, also known as Steve Black.
Hi baby.
Michelle: Hi. So this is a follow up episode. For my friends who are new to us, please go back and listen to episode 45, where Hot Husband here, you'll learn
why we use that title, but also more important, you will learn our story all around sobriety. This is our follow up conversation because at the time of this recording, we are only a few weeks away from celebrating two years of Steve's sobriety. Did I get that right?
Steve: At the time of the recording, coming up on two months,
Michelle: two months.
Okay. [00:02:00]
Steve: So then I guess. We'll see.
Michelle: Well, then let's just be transparent. So what is your sobriety birthday? September 18th, September 18th. You get a happy dance from that. Sweet. And so when we aired episode of 45, we also asked people on Instagram and Facebook to ask us questions. And so if you see my eyes.
He's actually going to be answering authentically because he has no idea what the audience has been asking, but we both are showing up because we sincerely have a heart to help others who may be struggling because, you know, my calling is to help women going through menopause to not struggle through the hot flashes, The night sweats, the belly bloats, Steve's calling is to help others to not suffer through alcohol addiction, drug addiction, and other, actually, I want to, I don't want to speak for you.
I think our relationship is [00:03:00] definitely to the point where we don't need to speak for each other, we can speak for ourselves. So what do you think your calling would be?
Steve: I would like just reduce suffering, whether it's around alcohol, drugs, mental health.
Michelle: Oh, and financial. I actually have a really fun announcement at the end of this episode that we'll share around that because Steve has a beautiful heart around helping others with their finances.
And actually just a little teaser, the retreat that we're planning for couples. So stay tuned. I'll give you a lot of information at the end of this episode. But for now, before we jump into the juicy gems, I would love to invite you to play a rapid fire game with me. Would you be open?
Steve: I am open. Now, I listen to this.
Obviously, I'm one of your biggest fans. Thank you. Questionable stalker.
Michelle: My biggest stalker right here.
Steve: But, yes, I'm willing.
Michelle: Okay, great. And that is absolutely why I mixed it up. So, actually, this one you may have heard before. [00:04:00] When I say the words sweet, salty, or savory, what do you lean into?
Steve: Right now, I'm suffering through the sweetness.
Michelle: I actually want to talk about that as it relates to alcoholism. Awesome. Good job doing rapid fire. Okay. This is a question I've asked you with IRL in real life. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?
Steve: Oh, I'd probably say two years ago, I would have absolutely said I want to be right, and I think I am right most of the time.
But, now I want to be happy. Find a lot of happiness.
Michelle: It's so hard for me not to kiss him right now. That might happen throughout this interview, though. We'll see. I can't make any promises. All right. Would you be willing to share a childhood memory in the kitchen?
Steve: I do want to mix these up a bit.
Michelle: but I really want to know this [00:05:00] story.
Steve: There's a couple, kitchen food. I think I've shared some of them with you, but I remember my aunt Diane making caramels with her, around Christmas time. I remember my grandfather always cooking up interesting food, whether it was liver, pheasant that he brought home, half brains. I remember those being served on the table.
Michelle: And for our friends who aren't aware, Steve is Wisconsin born and bred, so that's where a lot of these memories stem from. Yes. Yes. Hmm. Love that.
Steve: Yeah. No, I think my brother and I, we're always self sufficient in the kitchen.
Michelle: Hmm. So then, since I feel like you gave me a nice challenge, how about this? Give us a choice if it were your last meal on earth. What would it be?
Steve: Well, Swedish fish would be in there [00:06:00] somewhere.
Michelle: That's what he was talking about. Yeah.
Steve: There's so many good things. probably chicken Thai basil. Mm. That was a good staple. Go back, fall back to Belfast, Mid Eastern, shawarma, falafel. Yeah, there's so many just. Good food. Your mom's cooking is good.
Barbecue is good. So much of it's just emotional and sentiments attached to it.
Michelle: I noticed you didn't say anything about my cooking.
Steve: Well, it's healthy.
Michelle: It's all good.
Steve: I thought about the pineapple muffins that you make. Oh, I haven't made those in a while. Yeah, those are good.
Michelle: Okay. Well, since you mentioned it, then I will, I will hop to it. Okay. Okay. All right. So, As I mentioned, when we aired episode 45 and we asked for your feedback and your questions, the number one question I got is, how is Steve [00:07:00] doing?
And so maybe I'll just ask you directly, how are you doing?
Steve: Good. The response we get from our 16 year old tell you don't good. No, I'm doing really well. So coming up on two years in, I, I don't think about alcohol. I feel very grounded in my program. I feel healthy, both physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yeah, I feel great, feel great.
Michelle: And for my friends who are not familiar with AA or programs, like when you say program, what do you mean?
Steve: I'm saying the 12 step program, so AA's 12 step program. there's a podcast I listen to, it's called Sobercast, and it's a lot of people telling stories, part of it's a workshop. And I think in one of them that mentioned there's over 300 12 [00:08:00] step programs out there all modeled after AA. So just anything and everything.
So a very successful program.
Michelle: Okay. Awesome. And say more, because I know this program comes along with a sponsor, you're going to meetings, you're going to parties related to these meetings. would you be willing, like, this is probably the one time in our relationship I'm asking you.
Steve: That's surprising. So I go to meetings online.
I try to make them in person, with work and everything. It's difficult to, to make it at noon during the day. I just go at noon just because it's convenient. It's kind of the, my home group. so I try to do three to five meetings a week, minimum. And there's two groups I belong to. One of them has a weekend.
So I try to make it in person on the weekends if we don't have things going on with the kids and I can fit it in.[00:09:00] and then I meet with a sponsor. Joe is fantastic. This past week, July 19th, he celebrated 38 years of sobriety. Wow. So he's got some incredible stories, incredible encouragement and guidance.
And then you mentioned parties. So one of the groups they have kind of quarterly socials. I'll have get togethers.
Michelle: We went to, was that St. Patty's Day?
Steve: Yeah, they had a St. Patty's Day celebration. a gentleman, Dan, he's hosting a cookout. I think he grills or smokes ribs. it's a kind of a potluck.
So there's some gatherings. The most of my meetings, oh, I can go on top online too. I, I think I, we went to Belize, but, and we were just planning a trip to New York and it's like, oh, I will be there for my birthday. So your sober birthday. Sober birthday. So I would go to a meeting there. I jump online, [00:10:00] check meetings.
I'll go to meetings in Minneapolis, San Francisco, la, San Diego. I just, wherever there's a meeting that works well.
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Michelle: Nice. And so for my friends who are sober curious, clearly you have found Your flow with meetings. I was recently on a walk with a friend in the neighborhood and she was sharing that her son is almost two years sober.
However, he's doing it on his own, because I think there is some stigma with AA which I sincerely do not understand because Everything I've learned so far sounds like so much positivity, but for our friends who might be either sober curious or truly trying to be sober, who might need a [00:13:00] little more encouragement or, you know, gentle nudges to perhaps have community, can you share something that might help them to get a little more curious about doing this in community?
Steve: Yeah, So I think that a lot of that stigma comes down to, some people say it's terminology, but finding a higher power, a god. a lot of people have different, come from different backgrounds, different experiences with religion, and that triggers some people. It triggered me. so that aspect of it, also the aspect of, drugs, like when we talk in AA, it's, hey, we'll focus on alcohol and your addiction to alcohol.
And while a lot of people have other issues, it's like, we'll address that elsewhere. So, I think that's where the stigma is. And just the, you know, Part of it, I think a lot of people, like the first, what was it, three months, [00:14:00] I went back and listened to our podcast from, a year ago. And one of the things that was mentioned in there is, or that we had talked about his first three months, I hadn't shared anything.
So it was a secret.
Michelle: I had no idea.
Steve: But I think I was sober for why just didn't drink. You call it a dry drunk. Somebody who's just not drinking but not working the program and working the program just means revisiting the steps and progressing through the steps, you know, admitting that you're powerless over alcohol, you know, admitting that there's a power greater than yourself, admitting, or turning your life over to God, doing an inventory, just self reflection on, on your behavior, your acts, and then sharing those with somebody else, whether it's going to church, I mean, what [00:15:00] was it, reconciliation, repentance, confession, bunch of different terms, raised Catholic, so you work through that and then it's, you know, asking for forgiveness, making amends, reflecting and doing an inventory every day of like, what did I do today?
How could I have done it better? Yeah. What did I do well that I continue to do wake up, say your prayers in the morning and and. It's, it's stuff that I think so many people do, but they don't fully embrace it. I think, you know, in prior, it's like, yeah, I'll say a prayer or I'll think of this or that throughout the day.
I'm like, oh, that didn't work out well. How can I do that? To be very diligent with it and do it on a daily basis really is where you start making that traction. And so you want, that's when I say work. The program is your more, it's, [00:16:00] So much of the program is designed around humility and less about selfishness.
So you're thinking about how can I service, how can I better serve others? whether, you know, I'm a boss, whether I'm walking down the street and I see somebody struggling with whatever it is, you know, somebody dropped something. or helping somebody will cross the street or just being generous and kind holding a door open.
How can I be of service to somebody else. So you're not reflecting on yourself you're thinking of others.
Michelle: Hmm, which all sounds like work to me so I wonder if that's part of what maybe holds people back from stepping into the program because they're like, Oh, wow, like I have to actually look at myself and admit that
I am powerless over alcohol like that's a tough step to make. Yeah, I should say it can be a [00:17:00] tough step to make I cannot speak for everybody.
Steve: Yes, and it's, that's the choice powerless over alcohol you know, there's How do I describe it? It's, you know, you have, again, you come back to those stereotypical images of somebody drinking out of a paper bag, you know, living underneath the bridge, or, then you have somebody like myself who, highly functioning, maintained a job.
I didn't go to work drunk. I never drank at work. never impacted that. However, my drinking outside of work impacted how I felt in the morning. How I reacted to other things and drinking in the eveningdidn't always bode well for our relationship. So, you know, you take that baggage with you to work in the morning.
and that's going back to one of your rapid fire questions. Would I rather be right or happy? Now I find myself finding that joy and that [00:18:00] happiness. And it just percolates throughout life. everything goes well. I read a lot of a law of attraction and follow a lot of that.
And I combine that with my own belief in a higher power. So there's, it's kind of a blend of the two of it's that manifesting, Hey, I am going to do this happy. I always look at the positive and it is amazing how transformative that really is.
Michelle: So I want to go back a few steps and I want to talk about which was the hardest step for you to overcome.
Steve: It's step three. I always come back to it and that's willing to turn your life over to God or a higher power. it's not my will. It's His hers will, and that's something I struggle with every day.
I included in my morning prayers, [00:19:00] like, how can I be of service? How can I do your will, not mine, throughout the day? It's. It's not, I want this, what do I need to do to get there? I work in corporate America. So I'll use that as an example of a lot of times you'll see coworkers or somebody else that are that kind of, you'll experience it throughout your career
at some level is that cutthroatness of, I am going to cheat this person out because that'll get me ahead. And it's not that it's. Okay. If that happens, well, you know, that opportunity passed, but it just means there's a better one coming and just turning over like and accepting what your life is, the first thing I think of every morning when I wake up my eyes, I'm like, I'm blessed with another day.
It's, you can start over. It's a day of happiness. It's. It's a blessing to be alive and experience life. So,
Michelle: and one [00:20:00] thing I'll add that every morning, you will say most mornings because you mix it up sometimes, but for the most part, every morning you say I choose you. And so I love that you include me in this process as well.
Because on a side note. Getting sober can be very isolating because you've needed to be selfish as you've worked through kind of unpacking a lot of things from your childhood, unpacking things from your life journey. And so I believe I've given you a lot of space for the last two years and I will continue to give you a lot of space to work this out.
And so as your wife, I find that when you do bring me into your world, like it feels. exponentially loving because I know how much is going on in your head and in your heart. And so thank you for that. And also a hip tip for any other partners who might be watching that, you know, being together is an [00:21:00] absolute choice.
And when you can acknowledge that and voice that, that just feels amazing. And then the second point I wanted to acknowledge to your point as far as recalibrating and looking at your day and knowing you get to start off fresh every night.
Another tip I'd love to share for fellow couples and or if you are single, you can do this for yourself, but we make sure that we do not go to bed without saying our three gratitudes. We recently went to an Abraham Hicks workshop and they actually use the word appreciation. And so we mix and match. So we'll either say, what are you appreciative of this evening or What are three things you're grateful for and I just love that we've had that to kind of bond us together and and be able to go to sleep, just in a spirit of gratitude, it means everything.
Steve: Yeah, you go to bed. [00:22:00] It's calming. You, Chloe, Chloe dog I think is what everybody in your audience knows. Yeah, she perked up, but just The happiness and the calmness and the joy of just Chloe are so many things to be appreciative, everybody can find something to be appreciative, whether it's a roof over their head, a meal, support of a loved one, whatever.
There's so many things to be grateful for. And we always try to mix it up so it's not always the same thing. It's like we have to be creative,
Michelle: including the days that we're not so in sync with each other, sometimes it is a simple. I appreciate dinner tonight. I am grateful that the laundry got done.
Steve: I'm grateful that…I am grateful the day is over and I'm climbing into a comfortable bed. Yeah, that's right. There's two days over. [00:23:00]
Michelle: So now another question I get asked a lot besides how Steve doing is… How are things going in your marriage? So I'll let you answer that one first. How are things going on in our marriage babe?
Steve: Yeah, I will answer that. But I'm going to take a step back to something you had mentioned. I'll carry that forward into it is, you know, one of the things with AA, like I said, you work the steps. And I know in our previous conversation, I talked about it. I found more value in working the AA steps than
going to a therapist and I, I did both, therapist helped me work through things, AA helped me see other things. So combined, it was fantastic. so I was able to unravel some childhood adult, just personal issues, mental [00:24:00] issues. So a lot of that has helped our relationship. And it's a partnership.
It's not, it's not a relationship like we're truly partners. and it's not, what can I get out of this relationship? It's how can we have a better relationship? How can we continue to grow? How can we support each other? How can we bring more joy, happiness, love to each other and to our family? Thank you.
And a lot of times we can get caught up in work or chores or errands. I think you and I are really good about setting aside quality time. Whether that's...
Michelle: I'd say good. I don't know about really good.
Steve: Well, you're really good about putting it on the calendar to remind me really good about [00:25:00] planning.
Michelle: So I'll give you that.
Yes.
Steve: Yes, we can improve. But yeah, we, I would, you know, whether it be family walks, dinner, you know, just activities, dates. We, you've, your love language is quality time. So I recognize that. And I want to. Provide that to you.
Michelle: And your love language is acts of service. That's everything, really. I love to let you do my laundry, baby.
I love to let you love me by doing my laundry.
Steve: And that's where we get caught up. I'll do the laundry, yard work, and the errands, the chores that I mentioned earlier.
Michelle: Well, and I want you to continue, but I also remember Craig from one of my previous corporate positions. He would always share that. Marriage is not 50 50.
It's 100 100. So like, [00:26:00] you know, 50 50 would be here. So if things could happen, it's easy to break it. But if both of us feel 100 percent responsible for this relationship, then with the ups and downs, we're still going to stay strong. And I think we've leaned into that over the years as well. Like I feel we both show up in ways that proves that we both feel very responsible for this relationship.
Steve: Yeah. And the first six months, first year, I think I did a lot of work on myself to get to where I am now. And that took a lot of away from us, took time away from you. and I still struggle with that, you know, like just managing my calendar and all the activities that I participate in or are a part of.
It's challenging because I feel like it can be so hectic. And sometimes I crash. And I feel like that [00:27:00] takes time away from you. I would agree. It's an ongoing assessment.
Michelle: Awesome. So, I think our marriage has never been better. I love hearing this.
I just feel grateful. Like it. different. Like the marriage we have today is not the partnership we had eight years ago. And I think it's a beautiful thing. Like for better or for worse, I don't even know if we even said that in our wedding vows, but for better or for worse, like we're here and all the lessons and steps it's taken us to get here.
I would not have traded. I will, I will not trade any of it because I think it just informs our future decisions and our current choices. And so I will say, of course, there's room for improvement. We are human. And I am super grateful that we are both committed to doing our own work and then doing our work [00:28:00] together.
And so I love this medium as a You know, podcast episode because it does feel like an extra level of accountability because we're sharing this with our community. And more important though, it's our relationship. We're hearing it together and I think it just makes us that much stronger. So thank you for showing up for this.
It means more than I can put into words.
Steve: I'm happy to support you and be a part of this. Just witnessing you do your thing.
Michelle: Thank you, baby.
Steve: You mentioned something about accountability, and I think It'd be great if there's a lot more accountability just in the world, whether it's you hold me accountable, my sponsor holds me accountable, AA holds me accountable, you know, and I think that is also one of the things that prevent people from going all in on it.
Like you said, your friend's son [00:29:00] was, he's doing it on his own and there's that hesitancy and it's being held accountable and it's, one of my sayings is I was just show up and you can't get by with just showing up. I mean, you have to do the work. That's the first step. Just show up at a minimum.
Michelle: I love that you've brought that into our family, our immediate family and family at large.
People know that's, that's one of your main sayings is just show up. It means everything. So another question I get is, how does Steve feel when you drink, Michelle?
Steve: it doesn't bother me. Like, being an alcoholic, and we say collectively, we refer to people that drink normally, meaning they can have one drink and stop, or two drinks and stop, [00:30:00] or drink socially.
We'll refer to you as Normies.
Michelle: That's right. I learned that you were at that St. Patty's party I just mentioned. Yeah, they called me a Normie.
My name is Michelle.
Steve: So it doesn't bother me. Like I, it, I do not understand and comprehend how you drink that way. Like That's you. I, I can't relate. Just like you probably can't relate to the way I drink or had drank. example, you were gone for a trip. I can't remember where, actually you were coming back from Bali.
We picked you up at the airport and we stopped for dinner and you're like, I just want a margarita.
Well, you had a margarita, but you only drank half of it and you left it there.
And I was like, my instinct was, why are you leaving that? Like, you just, I don't know if it's my fiscal responsibility. Oh, you paid for it. Get your value out of it to work, drink the whole thing. Or it's like, can't leave alcohol behind. [00:31:00] Like, so it's just, it's a completely different mindset. One of the reasons how I identified I was an alcoholic is I wouldn't do that.
I can't drink normally.
Michelle: Thank you for sharing that, that, that example.
Steve: But, so I have no problem. You drink. going out to dinner. seeing other people drink. I've taken my work team out for happy hour. They'll have a drink or two and, you know, no problem with it. I get annoyed just like anybody gets annoyed even if you were out having a drink or two and you have a group of drunks.
Loud and obnoxious. And I don't know if that's just me getting old and I don't like noise and thinking up there irresponsible, you know. But yeah, I don't have, I don't have issues with people drinking just as long as they make smart choices around it. And I've shared that with the kids of, you know, especially Lucy and Angel [00:32:00] with, Hey, you're at that age.
You're going to experiment. You're going to be exposed to it. You know, and if you try it, whatever, experiment with it, just don't make any stupid decisions. That's the critical thing for me.
Michelle: So one question that just popped up as you're saying that I know for me as a nutritionist, if I'm out to lunch or coffee with a friend, a lot of times people get very self conscious like, Oh, you know, you're not going to like this, Michelle, or this is just a little bit of sugar today.
Or I promise I don't always drink this much coffee. I'm like, you know, I'm not here to judge like you be you, you ingest and eat what you want. But I wonder, actually, I haven't asked you this yet, but Now that people know that you are on this journey, like when you are, let's say at a work happy hour or out with friends, do you find that people feel subconscious around you?
Steve: they don't say it. Sometimes I can sense it. some people are happy go [00:33:00] lucky. We went to a friend's graduation, her son's graduate, son's college graduation, and she came up to me. She's like, hey, we got plenty of choices for you that are non alcoholic. There's seltzer, there's punch, there's. And I, it was great.
I appreciated that. Hey, it's, it was thoughtful and considerate. And there's probably other people that didn't want to drink, but
Michelle: like me, I don't think I drank at that party,
Steve: but there was plenty of options and choices too. And I think, it's It's amazing how often alcohol just gets pushed onto you.
it's, it's so socially acceptable and it's such a drug, that it's, it's remarkable, you know, it's like, Oh, let's go have a drink to celebrate. I had a bad day. Let's have a drink. you know, it's like, Oh, hosting, it's like just socially acceptable and it's everywhere. So yeah, I don't [00:34:00] mind if other people drink.
But you know, if they're wanting to stop or if they're curious, happy to be a sounding board for them. yeah, that's their choice. If they want to quit, they'll know when they're ready.
Michelle: I am loving this conversation as we wind down. Is there anything you want people to know?
Steve: Oh, that's probably the hardest question you asked. And I thought, you know, rapid fire would be good, but, No,
I will stay off my soapbox, but I will say that there, if you are sober curious, if you do think you may be suffering from alcoholism, meaning you can't control your alcohol, reach out to somebody. You know, there are organizations out there, whether it's Elanon, whether it's AA, you know, you can reach out to me.
but if you are [00:35:00] struggling, there's life is so much better, at least for myself being sober. and for our family. Yeah. No. And when I say me, it impacts me, my work, family, friends, neighbors, like it's, It's the, the reach is incredible. and the networking is incredible. So there's no reason to suffer.
and there's no reason to struggle. you know, I picked up a lot of. Let's say the last two years, practicing some Buddhism and it's, I think there's a lot there with, suffering. Everybody suffers, but this is one way you can reduce a lot of suffering is just by giving up and addressing issues and problems
head on and moving past them.
Michelle: So at the time that we are publishing this episode, we will be celebrating two years of sobriety. So with that, what's next? What's next for Steven Black? [00:36:00]
Steve: You know, it's, it's, not to oversimplify
it, but it's one day at a time. You know, what can I do in the next 24 hours? That's all I have. kind of going with. Getting up in the morning, just be thankful that you had another day. just the impermanence of things, trying to make the best of it and being grateful for what you have. Trying to be of service and try to make life for those around you.
Michelle: Can you see how and why I fell in love with this man? Baby, sincerely, thank you for sharing your message. Thank you for showing up for me. Thank you for showing up for this family. And thank you for being willing to be of service. You truly have touched so many hearts. People that you will never know. And people that you will know, I just want to say thank you and encourage you to just continue being you.
Steve: Well, thank you for supporting me and allowing me [00:37:00] to be me and to grow and I'm appreciative of you and your message and your work and reaching out, you know, you're in the culinary side and I'm on the non alcoholic side.
Michelle: I love it. I would say that's a match made in heaven.
Steve: We should go together. That sounds good.
Michelle: Okay, sweet. Well, thank you. And to my listeners, friends, community, Sincerely, if you are sober curious and or if you are very clear that you struggle with alcohol, I so encourage you to check out AA. I'll put the links in the show notes. And then Steve, you heard it here. He is willing to be that friendly ear, be that resource if you want.
So you can find him at hello at michellefox. com and we'll make sure he gets that message. Is there any other things that I might be missing or anything you want to [00:38:00] add?
Steve: You're amazing. I think you're amazing. Thank you. I love you. I choose
Michelle: you. Ha! I choose you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh!
Well, baby's amazing!
That was beautiful.
Big love! Thanks so much for listening to Nourish. Have you been driving, doing laundry or walking around the neighborhood? Sweet. I've got show notes for you. Hop on over to michellefox.com/podcast. When you are ready. I will let you know that on the page, you will find resources to support what you just learned on today's show. And then of course you can grab some health supportive freebies as well.
Michelle Fox: If you enjoyed this episode, I would be honored. If you would leave a review on whichever podcast platform you are [00:39:00] listening on. It will help me with my mission to build healthier communities. One person at a time and it will help you because you will be part of that mission.
I'll be back next week and I encourage you to keep showing up for yourself and know that you and your health matter.