Sometimes I feel crazy – like legitimately insane. When I muster up the courage to share a few thoughts with friends, I typically get a “Me too!!”  This is always comforting to hear as it validates some of my thought patterns. It also helps me feel relatively safe sharing a few things with you here.

A particular pattern that I have been exploring lately is black and white thinking. If my daughter does not comply with the nurses and get her vaccinations, then I am a horrible mom. Or, if a friend doesn’t return my text within 24 hours, she doesn’t value our friendship as much as I do (even though I sadly have been guilty of the same). Or the biggie for me – if I can’t keep the weight off, I am a failure.

About a month ago, I hired a life coach. My negative self-talk became louder than my soul’s authentic voice of compassion, so I knew it was time to ask for help. It has been a beautiful blessing. I am still in process and holding tight to my coach, but I want to share a few things.

Homework is given at the end of each session. This week’s assignment is to put me out there. Hello friends, I’m here! I’m also going to take a moment to brag about my progress this week, in addition to posting on this blog today (yes, it’s been a little while):

• I asked a leader at my firm if she would be my mentor. She gave me a heartfelt “Yes!”
• I invited an admired co-worker to lunch. It turns out we have more in common than I knew. We had such a fun and validating conversation, and I believe we have a start to a genuine friendship. 
• I signed up for an improv class tonight. I hope to achieve what this Forbes article promises to create:  one of the few places in life where you have permission to genuinely “fail” without fear. I want this feeling of permission to fail in all areas of my life. Perhaps this class will help. I’ll let you know! 
• I initiated whoopie with my partner Steve (hee hee – a nice The Newlywed Game reference). TMI?? If you read my former blog, The Graceful Divorce, you know why this is a big deal. I manifested a relationship, this time around, where I feel absolutely and completely physically desired. I haven’t always experienced this, so my self-confidence can dip at times.
• After a few prods from my daughter Angel and Steve, I created a video audition with my dog Chloe and submitted it to my talent agent. I also posted it on social media. Regardless if we got chosen for the commercial, I know I did my best, and it felt delicious to have so much support from my family. 

These may read like small victories, but for me, I’m taking significant steps. These past few months have caught me in a spiral of negative thoughts. I have been guilty of keeping up with world politics, on a daily basis, which has been spirit-draining (yes, I’ve slowed this down). Steve’s business travel has increased lately, which has us recalibrating our communication. Angel and my bonus daughter are now 11 and both going through puberty. I think their new behaviors have our entire family recalibrating. Funny – not funny!

It is very natural for me to turn to ice cream and red wine for comfort when I’m feeling out of control. This has created counter results – like regaining 10 of the 15 pounds I recently lost.

The great news is that I am aware that I have been off-course and am willing to shift. I am doing “the work” with my coach. I also just finished reading Geneen Roth’s book This Messy Magnificent Life: A Field Guide which is helping me nip the ice cream/wine habit. Also, I just began reading the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Twelve pages in, and I’m strongly relating with the anxious attachment style - one of the three attachment styles the book explores. My anxious thoughts spill over into my interactions with Steve, and with Angel, and with my Mom, and with my siblings, and with my friends. I cannot wait to find what I discover in this book. Hopefully, it will help me relax into the love that already exists in all of these relationships.

I will continue exploring until I find my answers. You know I will share the gems that I uncover. 

All my love! 

Michelle