It is #tbt and I woke up pretty anxious to repost this one. Really Matt Lauer? Louis CK? Russell Simmons? Sadly I could keep writing names of men I once respected with a question mark behind their names. The bombardment of news about male celebrities using their power over women has been overwhelming.
It is challenging to live in a time where the POTUS gets away with diminishing women. The most powerful leader in the world? Ok, enough with the question marks. Back to bringing light in this world.
That is my only work – bringing the light. I wasn’t present for any of the above accusations so all I can do is relate my own experiences. Here is a personal story originally posted on October 5, 2010.
We can do better and we will continue to do better if we keep the conversation moving forward.
Married men who hang out at bars: consider yourselves on notice!
I chose to celebrate the completion of some major projects at a few different venues this past weekend. I had true experiences of fun, freedom, and release. I met some local and national celebrities, I enjoyed a Les Nubians concert (I attached one of my favorite songs of theirs above), and I made a few new friends. What has stuck in my craw for the last two days is the energy I’ve been receiving from married men.
I promise not to get on my high horse, but if you’re going to be married, then be married. Hanging out at a bar with friends is totally acceptable. Hanging out at such establishments, with your left hand in your pocket while buying drinks for us single ladies is questionable. Don’t even get me started on the bachelor that wants to come back to my place for one last night of fun. Really??
I chose the single life for a number of reasons, but one of them includes the benefit of flirting with different people. Again, totally OK to do the same when you’re married, but not OK if you are hitting on me with the hopes of furthering our relationship.
I ran into a co-worker from the past at a downtown establishment on Friday night. He had two other friends with him. One friend and I hit it off particularly well, until a bell began to chime in my head. “Let me see your hand,” I asked. He looked at me like a deer in the headlight. Our mutual friend asked me how I knew he was married. I told him the left hand in the pocket got my attention. Not OK!
So that scene played itself out to my left. On my right side my girlfriends had began a “party” with two other men. Drinks were flowing thanks to the generosity of these male beings. As I began to ask a few questions, it hit me that the more boisterous of the two was married to a former stylist of mine. The mood quickly changed once he realized that I knew his wife. Once again, really??
The last story I’ll share includes a “thank you God” for Facebook. I attended a wonderful networking event where business cards were exchanged with a number of motivated people. One of these people happens to be a married man, but I would not be able to tell by the way our conversation flowed, the absent wedding ring, and the inquisitive follow-up email I received. Sure enough, a few clicks through the Internet produced photos of his children along with a relationship status of married.
The validation one receives from the attention of others can be seductive. I get it! I also get the commitment to living authentically. This is my path, and if you are reading these words, I am guessing it is yours too. I have no personal judgments on rules that each couple shares for their relationship. I do have judgment about bringing in a third party without full disclosure. I am clear that I do not tango with married men. There are plenty of authentically single men to consider.
So married men, and soon-to-be married men, consider yourselves on notice! I don’t think my voice on this one is going to get any quieter.